University of Brighton fine Art (Painting) submission

A key step in the neurodiverse journey

In my article late last year on the impact of a neurodiversity diagnosis, I state that the final stage, like Kubler Ross, is acceptance.

Turns out last year marked my recognition about what ‘acceptance’ means. I had a bloody awful 2023, from health challenges and bereavement to triggering family issues. A big part of my suffering was my belief that the world and the people in it were Not. As. They. Should. Be. Key word: ‘should’.

This particular black and white belief of ‘should’ showed a lack of acceptance, of myself and others. I felt that to accept would be to excuse or to give up. It’s neither.

Here are some musings about getting to acceptance as an AuDHD person:

• Accepting that you can’t change others: You can’t change or save others. People are going to do stupid, thoughtless or mean things. They shouldn’t and it’s not fair when they also seem to face no consequences, but it’s not up to you to try and change them. Meanness from another often comes from them feeling small and afraid, and they will have some sad story that’s led them to this moment. It doesn’t excuse bad behaviour, but it does explain them, which also means you do not have to put up with it…

• Creating a situation where you (or your boundaries) are accepted: Setting boundaries protects you by giving you a semblance of control. Boundaries are decisions on what you will and won’t do (they are not telling someone what they should/n’t do). They can range from walking away when someone starts shouting to exiting a relationship altogether. Setting and keeping to boundaries is HARD, as it can open you up to conflict because not everyone accepts or remembers them (saying ‘no’ again and again is exhausting). However, they are crucial to getting both you and others to accept a new reality in the relationship.

• Accepting when things end: Things change or end, suddenly, horribly but don’t underestimate your ability to cope. We’re really not taught to manage change well, especially when it’s related to loss and this is especially the case of AuDHD people. If you lose someone (a pet counts as a ‘someone’), as an AuDHD person you may not experience grief in the same way as neurotypical people, but you will feel it intensely and it’ll ruin your executive functioning (see my article on autistic grief) and wreak havoc with your rules and routines. However that you’re still alive means you’ve had a 100% success rate. The persistent trauma of being neurodiverse in a neurotypical world also means you have so much more inner strength than you perhaps realise.

• Accepting your feelings: Your feelings are valid and will eventually change. Being AuDHD often comes deep, ingrained shame. Years of having our feelings dismissed or punished have taught many of us to berate ourselves for our intense feelings and we try to hide them. There is no right or wrong way to feel about anything and so long as your behaviour doesn’t hurt anyone, that’s probably ok too. I’ve learnt to watch my intense feelings when they take me over, knowing they’ll drain away after a while. This process goes a lot faster if I try not to feel ashamed of my feelings, as shame acts as a dam and stops them from being processed properly.

Acceptance is not giving up and being resigned to a relationship or situation you can’t control, and neither is it ignoring issues or your own needs and feelings. Like how peace isn’t an absence of war, acceptance is something you have to continually work at, both for others’ sake and for your own.